Author Archives: Lindea

And I will stumble and fall

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere I would’ve followed you 
Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

4 big reasons you look fat in photographs.

Originally posted on The Haute Girl:

4 Big Reasons You look FAT in Photographs

Update: You know how you read buzz feed or something like that and there is this really shocking title, but when you go to read it its nothing about what you thought it was going to be? and it ticks you off? Well this article is not like that, but the title is like that for a reason. It’s what brought you to read this today. I had some unsavory comments about people not liking that I used the word fat, or upset that I would use this word in a negative context. Just to be honest – a man responded to this article saying ” or start working out and don’t be fat ” Ouch. I don’t think anyone wants to be called that, and nor have I been ever called fat as a compliment ( maybe P-H-A-T ;) ) In any event, this article is about looking your most…

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Nightly terrors.

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Nightmares. I have written about them before, but they seem to become more prominent. Honestly the quality of my sleep these days is so bad that I could probably just stay up and that way feel less tired. A little while ago the night terrors would come and go, sometimes only happen occasionally. Now they happen every night. Often I wake up more tired than I actually was before I went to bed, and morning I just feel outright exhausted regardless how much sleep I’ve had. These terrors also makes it really hard for me to actually fall asleep when I am tired, which results in days like this when I have to get up at 7am but did not fall asleep until 3 am.

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I’m all for dreaming, I like dreaming. Dreams makes me want to sleep and just stay sleeping forever. Like a little while ago I had a wonderful dream where I was eating avocados, and then I woke up. I’ve had dreams that have inspired my writing (though I won’t be one of those authors/writers who claim a dream was the source of it all), and I like those kind of dreams, they are productive.
I like dreams that are wonderful, or surrealistic or just simply beautiful or inspiring.
Dreams are good even when they don’t make sense, as long as they make you feel good they are good. I miss those kind of dreams. I  have never been a person who is frequently visited by dreams, but I have never suffered from the kind of night terrors I suffer from now.

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Now the terrors seems to find me all the time. I wake up before my alarm because of nightmares. most of them I can’t even remember, I’m just dreaming and then abruptly wake up and struggle to go back asleep again. The times I actually sleep is mostly during the day on the days I don’t have to go to Uni, which gives me an unhealthy sleeping pattern (it makes it even harder to fall asleep at night).
Occasionally I wish I could remember what these nightmares were about, it would kind of help me understand what my subconsciousness try to tell me, or at least help me understand what I need to do/deal with.

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I try to drink a lot of coffee to help me stay awake during Uni-days, it works somewhat, but i don’t feel like I am well prepared or take in as much from the lectures as I used to. My general mental state is reduced and mostly I just want to get back home so I can sleep. Though mostly when I get home I got stuff I have to do, and the only time I really sleep peacefully is when I am supposed to watch TV with them when he hold me and I accidentally fall asleep for a brief while.
At least I do understand as much there is something I am not dealing with and these terrors are my subconsciousness trying to deal with it and make me aware of it [so I then can process it]

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I supposed some of the terrors is because I’m going home, soon. And I guess I dread going home, I’ve got a lot to deal with and I will have to let go of this place. Letting go has never really been anything that I have been good at, and I try to deny it, I try to pretend it doesn’t exist. Sadly I am very aware of how short time I have left here. All good things comes to an end, at some point, in life there is no forever. Nothing lasts forever, forever is an impossibility.
Sometimes I feel like home will be a mess, and sometimes I feel like home isn’t home. This is one of the few places I have felt very much at home, this place and the Blackboard box in London (I guess). Maybe it have to do with the fact that everything will be changing shortly, I will leave here and when I come back home, and then I know a lot of people back home will be spreading out across the world too. I can’t really complain about them spreading with the wind after moving out of country twice. Well there is always Facebook.

“There is a war inside my heart gone silent Both sides dissatisfied and somewhat violent.”
— Sara Bareilles

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A lot is changing, things are already changing. Sometimes I feel like I’m spinning out of control, and I desperately try to cling on to it. I feel like I am losing me and in the process I’m slowly losing everyone else too. It gives me less of a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I really had to push myself to get out of bed this morning, I had to push even harder to even manage to get out the door. Between the relentlessness of leaving and trying not to puke, I think I again realized I will soon be alone again.
Alone wouldn’t be so bad, if just managed to find joy in my old passion. I wish I could lose myself in writing again. I wish I could breathe color in the darkness

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I wish I could just push through the terrors and darkness I am now feeling, or at least find a reason for it. Because right now I should be happy. But then again they don’t call it depression when you feel sad because your dog died or you lost a friend, that is sadness. Depression is when you feel sad when everything are going well in your life. I guess I just suffer from depression and struggle to break through it because there really no reason for me to be sad right now at this very moment. If I could just feel the moment instead of worrying about the future.
Maybe if I was more present in the moment this depression would go away, but in many ways I feel like it’s too late for that; I wasted it and there is no point in even trying.

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Everyone have their ups and downs, but honestly my emotional life has had a lot more of downs than ups lately. But I will blame it on stress and sleep deprivation (honestly I  am pretty sure I feel like Sam felt when he was terrorized by Lucifer), because I can’t find a reason for my downs.

“There is only one hell: the one we live in now.”
— Melisandre

I figure I will end here, as this post turned out a lot longer than I intended. I got a lot more to say but I will try to meditate the next hours so I might be able to pay attention in my next class. And I guess I just have to fight through this sleep deprived state.

“I was meant to be a warrior please make me a Hercules”
— Sara Bareilles

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Leaving things for last minute

I work well under pressure. But I do my best work when I have a full-ranged panic attack. At least that is how it seems to me. Whenever I have put large amount of work into something, worked on it for days or even weeks I seems to get less positive feedback. When I do something last-minute or when I improvise my presentations I do better than when I have spent a lot of time preparing it.

I think that is why I have developed this bad habit of always doing things last-minute. Like today I wrote my whole take home test in 4 hours (thank you Norway for routinely have five-hour exams I guess…), and I am quite confident I did far better on that, and I feel like that writing was far better than my half attempt to start last week.

The thing is in four hours I wrote 2500 words (four short essay) and did a read through and I feel like I did okay. Whenever I put a large amount of work into anything I get anxious and stressed out, feeling like I could have done better and keep obsessing over small details that probably wouldn’t matter anyway.

So on a general basis I feel like it is easier for me to just leave things to the last-minute. Today I did cut it a bit closer to the finish line than I would have preferred, I would have liked to got started yesterday but for various reasons I postponed it. Maybe I postponed it because I thought it was easy, critiquing fiction has always come easy to me and I write naturally in essay form.

Hopefully I did not do too bad on it, we will probably get it back graded in a few weeks. And hopefully I did okay or good. I’ll just have to wait and see.

Midterms and stuff (sh*t)

It is time the time of the semester when the universities that run a quarter-system gives out their midterms. I will not even start on how impractical (but efficient) a quarter system is other than that it is really, really stress full (you fall behind you stay behind no chance of catching up).

Honestly I don’t understand the midterms. They are sorta like exams in the middle of the semester and all of the ones I’ve had have been mostly consisting multiple choice questions. Up until today I thought I went to Uni today to face three midterms in one day, turned out one of them is not until Thursday and the other is a take home exam.  That shortened my work load for the day, but I still got my “big history test.” I try not to worry too much but I do.

Of course what is not making anything better is that I hardly managed to sleep at all last night, because one of my professors are particularly unpleasant and aggressive (when unprovoked). And I forgot the part of using profanity towards the student while being aggressive as well. Last week was particularly bad, and all the students were sent home because the professor did not feel well. This kind of behavior of course does nothing for my social anxiety, especially when the class is a “you have to participate or you are marked as absent”-policy. A few weeks ago when I was addressed the professor did interrupt me concluding I had not read whatever short-story  before I managed to say more than a few words and make my point. At the time I just kept talking and I figure the professor realized the mistake, but honestly that kind of behavior does lay good ground for the students to want to participate. Some of my fellow students did indeed react to this situation, though not openly in class but it was more a hushed down after class “I can’t believe that the professor said that.”

So I guess the two past weeks have contributed to my anxiety  to such a level that I dead to go to class and puts it off as long as I can without being marked as absent (yes I’m often late for that particular class). Though I should probably try to talk to the professor and ask why I am experiencing an excessive amount of this negative feedback, though I do want to avoid the person as much as possible (I have headed for a keep your head down and don’t do anything wrong or stupid strategy). I’m definitely more of a flight person than a fight person, I can work through this.
The past three weeks I have also suffered from nightly terrors, which I believe is connected to this. I wake up too early in the morning, I fall asleep too late, and I’m generally tired. When I finally manage to sleep I have terrible nightmares about completely ordinary and  trivial things. Like I keep having this dream over and over, where I travel back home but I have forgotten something and I’m trapped so I can’t go back and get it. Also I dream I’m on the airplane and I have forgotten something in the airport. Once I had a dream where I forgot all my luggage before I traveled home, and also have these dreams where a very ordinary days runs in an annoying loop over and over until I can’t stand it anymore and wake up. Then I do have some disturbing dreams, like the other day I dreamt I ate both my thumbs. Also I dreamt I that I got expelled for whatever reason.

I figures I just have a lot to deal with right now, I’m in a transition period where nothing is under control. In a few months I’m going home, a few months later I’m moving back to London but I have not even started to sort accommodation and I still really need to send those unpleasant e-mails. This week, will do it this week (that’s what i keep telling myself).

At least I got my homework under control, my special assignment will be on the hunger games (which i have read several times), the grammar class is running OK, and I think I can deal with my history class (though that’s a story I will not write about here).  So I’m not by any means driving myself completely off charts here, but vacation will be good, getting back in a mean, mean exercise regime will be good, back to dieting will probably be even better, seeing my cat again will be best (to shortly sum up the few things I look forward to about going home).

Tumblr

So I started a tumblr thing, I don’t know what exactly I will use it for yet. So far I just post random things I find and/or like or whatever. It’s just so I won’t spam facebook too much. Well I guess if I connect my tumblr to my Facebook it will just be just as bad as it has always been, I think I won’t connect the two…

If you want to check out my tumblr things my user name is linyve, so I guess the URL is something like this: http://linyve.tumblr.com/

 

I miss the days my mind would just rest quiet…

…my imagination hadn’t turned on me yet.

I can’t really seem to get anything done. Whenever I sit down to concentrate and actually work on things I need to work on. My mind either seems to wander on to things that stress me out. The e-mails I was supposed to write weeks ago to have my modules verify never got sent, I’ve kept postponing it. I meant to do it last weekend, I meant to do it this weekend. It just didn’t get done, and it is not like it’s like I have to write a big essay, just a short paragraph outlining why I had to change modules. It’s not rocket science.

I could argue that I’ve had a lot to think about. A lot has been going on, I’ve had my trouble to deal with. But truth is most of it is over now, and whatever is remaining should not really matter, because I don’t really care. Or maybe I do care,, but I try to fool myself into believing I don’t because it is not a matter that will actually matter in the long run.

As for other things there have been a lot of minor setbacks for me. I’ve started doubting that I will ever make it as a writer. Which kind of makes my major a waste and leave me with a heavy student loan (regardless if I decide to drop out or not. The way the american’s run their creative writing courses has been hard for me to get accustomed to. How they want their students to write, what they want their students to write. I did a beginning poetry class and it did not go well, even though I did really well in poetry last year. The fiction class I took did not at all  go as well as I hoped and it seemed like whatever I wrote fell flat. In the second semester I finally got on to the “this is how you we want you to write wagon.” So I locked up my voice and my imagination, to write what they wanted to see. At least I have proved to myself that if I really want to, I can sell my soul for a story. Somewhere in the midst of it all I figure I lost my passion and the joy I feel for writing. Truth is I have hardly written anything unless it’s for an assignment, and the thought of writing just turn me straight off.

I remember a few years ago I would strictly write 5000 words a day, now I’m lucky if I bother to write a single sentence. It just feel like something was ripped away and I feel like I’m just here without a plan now. What am I supposed to do now. How am I supposed to be able to graduate at all, if I can hardly stomach to write a sentence. Next year is my last year, I am facing a really big writing assignment, and I can not see me getting it done in time.

Lately I have just been filled with this unrest. When I sit down and not really do anything my heart just starts racing as if I’m having a full on panic attack (I’ve had some of those so I know what I’m talking about), and I just feel like I am wasting my life away. Frankly I know I’m not “that old” and I have my whole life in front of me, but in those moments I just feel like my numbers are up and I just wasted it all.

Sometimes I think maybe I should take a year off from uni. A year off to just find myself again, find my voice and my soul (if you believe in that sort of thing). Just spend sometime rediscovering my passion for writing, and figure out what I really want to write. But I’m also afraid if I take a year off I will just fall off the grid again, and just end up drowning in my own mind. And I’m afraid if I take a break now there will be no going back, I will just settle for nothing and end up regretting it when I’m 40, alone and own more cats than I can count because right now that is the only future I see.
Maybe it is just a half-way-midlife-crisis-phrase I’m going through. Maybe I over-think everything and spend too much time thinking of what I could have done different to have come further in my life by now. What if I had not spent so much doing nothing, I would have a degree by now. What if I had taken an apprenticeship instead of going to uni, I would have been done with education by now. But then again I know if I did things differently I would never ended up where I am right now, and right now is very good if I could just spend more time enjoying the presence and not worrying about the future.

It’s just that a lot of small things rest on my shoulders right now. I have to send that e-mail. I have not even started thinking about accommodation for next semester when I’m back in London. Where am I supposed to live when I get back there? Students starts searching and applying for housing in January, it’s April and I haven’t even started. I think maybe I part of me is reluctant to start searching because I don’t really want to go back and another part really want to request to take a year off, a third part kind of wishes that now could just last forever.

I guess I will find a way to get everything sorted, eventually. Things tend to work out, at least up until now my “last-moment-thing” has seemed to work out. Hopefully I’m not out of luck just yet.

Start blogging again, general life update

I have been considering to start blogging again, and I have been considering to close this blog. The main reason I am not blogging is that I don’t have anything to blog about. I do all this and that, but I have not really done anything I feel like writing about on a public blog. A few months ago I was really considering to start blogging again for various reasons, but it never happened.

That is what I kind of feel like right now “I’m going to… never mind won’t happen.” Sometimes I kind of get nostalgic or just get a strong feeling of melancholy. Maybe I’m homesick, but I don’t think so because I have no real desire to go back home. It might just be a feeling of “if I disappeared into the ground right now, would that really matter to anyone besides myself.” And I don’t mean that in a bad and depressed way, I just mean it in a realistic way. If I disappeared right this moment, I hardly think I would make more a difference than that someone will miss me for a little while and then I am forgotten. I know I usually have my super secret anonymous blog to write crap like this so I won’t elaborate more on this “why do we exist”-philosophy.

I have not been writing in a while. I mean, I have not really been writing anything that matter, I have just been writing stories about nothing to get me through my creative writing courses, and I’m not sure they were at all as good as the professor seemed to think. Somewhere in all this writing I think I lost my voice, and my call to write. And I don’t know what to do with myself. Who am I if I am not a writer? What is my goal in life if not to publish books?

Lately I have been thinking hat I will try to get into the publishing business. Kingston have a MA program solely for publishing. So maybe I can become and editor or start my own publishing company (at some point in the future). I only know that what I do not want to do is teach. “Those who can’t do, teach.” I don’t want to be one of those miserable people who aimed too high, failed, and then take their bitterness out on their students.

Maybe it was stupid of me to change my joint-honors last year, maybe I should have kept the 50/50 between Creative Writing and History, instead of making Creative Writing to my Major. That would certainly have made my future more secure (as in whether or not I would get a paying job), but if I had not done what I did I would not have gone to California because CAL State was not an option for history students (I’m doing an exchange year in California). Honestly I would not have traded this year away for anything, despite its ups and downs (I believe I have had more ups than downs anyway, but I think some people feel otherwise).

I think that I might make this blog into a more personal blog, maybe that can help me sort things out, I have always had a way with search for clarity through writing. But I also would like to post book reviews, but to do that I need to actually read books and I have not been an avid reader lately (I haven’t been clam enough to read). Hopefully I will start blogging again, because I think that in the place I am now that would be good for me though I am unsure whether or not I will be comfortable with posting on this blog or if I will have the need to write on my anonymous blog.

Have a nice day,
Lindea

Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

On Sunday I had the pleasure of attending an Emilie Autumn concert at Oakland Metro. It was a rather interesting (and cold) affair. It was a part of her Fight like a girl-tour and I thought the show was absolutely amazing. I did not stay long after the concert as it was very cold and I was freezing, but I did buy a plague rat sweat shirt, and I did meet some nice people (that I probably never will see again).

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Asleep by Elizabeth Darcy *review*

To be honest I have not read the first book in the story but from its title I expected it to be more like fairytales than it was. When I read the feeling which often is to find in a fairytale was absent to me. Also the lack of magic made it sound less like a fairytale and more like just another story. The narrator which was third person narrative was very suiting for the genre but it did not make it very easy to connect with the characters.

Because of the disconnecting narrative voice it was hard to conceive the world the author tried to build. One thing was especially the heroine warrior which seemed to be the only female warrior, I still have not got this on the clean. Also the flashbacks were not very well defined and I struggled with the jumping back and forth.

As a story I enjoyed it, but when at times it got rather confusing. What I did enjoy rather well was new way of portraying the story. The story is a reimagining of ‘Sleeping Beauty’ and the enjoyable twist is that it is not a damsel in distress but rather the prince that is kidnapped and the princess that has to save him (Though this did introduce some confusion considering she seemed to be the only female warrior).

As an overall this will not be one of the books I love, but it was enjoyable enough to read with is well-known storyline and turn of events.