Author Archives: Lindea

Tumblr

So I started a tumblr thing, I don’t know what exactly I will use it for yet. So far I just post random things I find and/or like or whatever. It’s just so I won’t spam facebook too much. Well I guess if I connect my tumblr to my Facebook it will just be just as bad as it has always been, I think I won’t connect the two…

If you want to check out my tumblr things my user name is linyve, so I guess the URL is something like this: http://linyve.tumblr.com/

 

I miss the days my mind would just rest quiet…

…my imagination hadn’t turned on me yet.

I can’t really seem to get anything done. Whenever I sit down to concentrate and actually work on things I need to work on. My mind either seems to wander on to things that stress me out. The e-mails I was supposed to write weeks ago to have my modules verify never got sent, I’ve kept postponing it. I meant to do it last weekend, I meant to do it this weekend. It just didn’t get done, and it is not like it’s like I have to write a big essay, just a short paragraph outlining why I had to change modules. It’s not rocket science.

I could argue that I’ve had a lot to think about. A lot has been going on, I’ve had my trouble to deal with. But truth is most of it is over now, and whatever is remaining should not really matter, because I don’t really care. Or maybe I do care,, but I try to fool myself into believing I don’t because it is not a matter that will actually matter in the long run.

As for other things there have been a lot of minor setbacks for me. I’ve started doubting that I will ever make it as a writer. Which kind of makes my major a waste and leave me with a heavy student loan (regardless if I decide to drop out or not. The way the american’s run their creative writing courses has been hard for me to get accustomed to. How they want their students to write, what they want their students to write. I did a beginning poetry class and it did not go well, even though I did really well in poetry last year. The fiction class I took did not at all  go as well as I hoped and it seemed like whatever I wrote fell flat. In the second semester I finally got on to the “this is how you we want you to write wagon.” So I locked up my voice and my imagination, to write what they wanted to see. At least I have proved to myself that if I really want to, I can sell my soul for a story. Somewhere in the midst of it all I figure I lost my passion and the joy I feel for writing. Truth is I have hardly written anything unless it’s for an assignment, and the thought of writing just turn me straight off.

I remember a few years ago I would strictly write 5000 words a day, now I’m lucky if I bother to write a single sentence. It just feel like something was ripped away and I feel like I’m just here without a plan now. What am I supposed to do now. How am I supposed to be able to graduate at all, if I can hardly stomach to write a sentence. Next year is my last year, I am facing a really big writing assignment, and I can not see me getting it done in time.

Lately I have just been filled with this unrest. When I sit down and not really do anything my heart just starts racing as if I’m having a full on panic attack (I’ve had some of those so I know what I’m talking about), and I just feel like I am wasting my life away. Frankly I know I’m not “that old” and I have my whole life in front of me, but in those moments I just feel like my numbers are up and I just wasted it all.

Sometimes I think maybe I should take a year off from uni. A year off to just find myself again, find my voice and my soul (if you believe in that sort of thing). Just spend sometime rediscovering my passion for writing, and figure out what I really want to write. But I’m also afraid if I take a year off I will just fall off the grid again, and just end up drowning in my own mind. And I’m afraid if I take a break now there will be no going back, I will just settle for nothing and end up regretting it when I’m 40, alone and own more cats than I can count because right now that is the only future I see.
Maybe it is just a half-way-midlife-crisis-phrase I’m going through. Maybe I over-think everything and spend too much time thinking of what I could have done different to have come further in my life by now. What if I had not spent so much doing nothing, I would have a degree by now. What if I had taken an apprenticeship instead of going to uni, I would have been done with education by now. But then again I know if I did things differently I would never ended up where I am right now, and right now is very good if I could just spend more time enjoying the presence and not worrying about the future.

It’s just that a lot of small things rest on my shoulders right now. I have to send that e-mail. I have not even started thinking about accommodation for next semester when I’m back in London. Where am I supposed to live when I get back there? Students starts searching and applying for housing in January, it’s April and I haven’t even started. I think maybe I part of me is reluctant to start searching because I don’t really want to go back and another part really want to request to take a year off, a third part kind of wishes that now could just last forever.

I guess I will find a way to get everything sorted, eventually. Things tend to work out, at least up until now my “last-moment-thing” has seemed to work out. Hopefully I’m not out of luck just yet.

Start blogging again, general life update

I have been considering to start blogging again, and I have been considering to close this blog. The main reason I am not blogging is that I don’t have anything to blog about. I do all this and that, but I have not really done anything I feel like writing about on a public blog. A few months ago I was really considering to start blogging again for various reasons, but it never happened.

That is what I kind of feel like right now “I’m going to… never mind won’t happen.” Sometimes I kind of get nostalgic or just get a strong feeling of melancholy. Maybe I’m homesick, but I don’t think so because I have no real desire to go back home. It might just be a feeling of “if I disappeared into the ground right now, would that really matter to anyone besides myself.” And I don’t mean that in a bad and depressed way, I just mean it in a realistic way. If I disappeared right this moment, I hardly think I would make more a difference than that someone will miss me for a little while and then I am forgotten. I know I usually have my super secret anonymous blog to write crap like this so I won’t elaborate more on this “why do we exist”-philosophy.

I have not been writing in a while. I mean, I have not really been writing anything that matter, I have just been writing stories about nothing to get me through my creative writing courses, and I’m not sure they were at all as good as the professor seemed to think. Somewhere in all this writing I think I lost my voice, and my call to write. And I don’t know what to do with myself. Who am I if I am not a writer? What is my goal in life if not to publish books?

Lately I have been thinking hat I will try to get into the publishing business. Kingston have a MA program solely for publishing. So maybe I can become and editor or start my own publishing company (at some point in the future). I only know that what I do not want to do is teach. “Those who can’t do, teach.” I don’t want to be one of those miserable people who aimed too high, failed, and then take their bitterness out on their students.

Maybe it was stupid of me to change my joint-honors last year, maybe I should have kept the 50/50 between Creative Writing and History, instead of making Creative Writing to my Major. That would certainly have made my future more secure (as in whether or not I would get a paying job), but if I had not done what I did I would not have gone to California because CAL State was not an option for history students (I’m doing an exchange year in California). Honestly I would not have traded this year away for anything, despite its ups and downs (I believe I have had more ups than downs anyway, but I think some people feel otherwise).

I think that I might make this blog into a more personal blog, maybe that can help me sort things out, I have always had a way with search for clarity through writing. But I also would like to post book reviews, but to do that I need to actually read books and I have not been an avid reader lately (I haven’t been clam enough to read). Hopefully I will start blogging again, because I think that in the place I am now that would be good for me though I am unsure whether or not I will be comfortable with posting on this blog or if I will have the need to write on my anonymous blog.

Have a nice day,
Lindea

Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

On Sunday I had the pleasure of attending an Emilie Autumn concert at Oakland Metro. It was a rather interesting (and cold) affair. It was a part of her Fight like a girl-tour and I thought the show was absolutely amazing. I did not stay long after the concert as it was very cold and I was freezing, but I did buy a plague rat sweat shirt, and I did meet some nice people (that I probably never will see again).

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Asleep by Elizabeth Darcy *review*

To be honest I have not read the first book in the story but from its title I expected it to be more like fairytales than it was. When I read the feeling which often is to find in a fairytale was absent to me. Also the lack of magic made it sound less like a fairytale and more like just another story. The narrator which was third person narrative was very suiting for the genre but it did not make it very easy to connect with the characters.

Because of the disconnecting narrative voice it was hard to conceive the world the author tried to build. One thing was especially the heroine warrior which seemed to be the only female warrior, I still have not got this on the clean. Also the flashbacks were not very well defined and I struggled with the jumping back and forth.

As a story I enjoyed it, but when at times it got rather confusing. What I did enjoy rather well was new way of portraying the story. The story is a reimagining of ‘Sleeping Beauty’ and the enjoyable twist is that it is not a damsel in distress but rather the prince that is kidnapped and the princess that has to save him (Though this did introduce some confusion considering she seemed to be the only female warrior).

As an overall this will not be one of the books I love, but it was enjoyable enough to read with is well-known storyline and turn of events.

Wintergirls & The Kite Runner

I went thought my stats and apparently the terms most searched for and the post most read on this blog is “Wintergirls” and my review of “The Kite Runner.” As I saw that I found it a bit weird, because those two probably represent my best and worst post ever written.

 

Cover of "Wintergirls"

Wintergirls is one of the best reviews/in-depth analysis I’ve ever written on a book. The book was one that moved me deeply and I connected very much with the protagonist. Today this book is still very close to me, and I feel like it is one of the best YA-novels I have ever put my hands on. It is such a real and moving story and I think it must have been an incredibly hard job to write it.
It is one of the best analysis I’ve done, it was done as a school assignment and it was only published after the assignment had been graded. However upon the publication of the review I tweeted the author of the book, Laurie H. Anderson, the link and she actually replied to me and said she thought that was the best review she had ever read for that book. That she wrote that to me has of course made me very proud of that analysis, and I still think it is rather good. And I do understand that this might be a post people would like to read because I put a lot of work into it and it is well written.

And on the other hand we have my review of The Kite Runner (the movie), which I really, really hated. It is not that I don’t care about the war in the middle east or that I am a racist or anything like that.  But I found the movie long and slow, and there were points in it that didn’t make sense or add up unless you read the book. I am a firm believer that even though a movie is based on a book it does not represent the book but stand a long as it’s own story. If you must have read the book to understand the movie, someone has done a bad job transmitting the message of the book to the screen.
And, I do have the right to have my own opinion. I did not care for or like this movie. In my eyes it was bad and boring. This review too was for a school paper, but it was written with less passion than my book review for “Wintergirls.”
I will not put up a link to this post because it isn’t well written, and I’ve had to close the comments on it because some people hate that I hate it and does not understand that I am fully allowed to hate it. That I hate the movie doesn’t mean I hate the people, I just didn’t think of it as a good story because everyone who has escaped war has a story so why this particular story? What about everyone else stories?

In the end I have seen my best and my poorest written post is the most read on this blog. I find it kind of funny and kind of odd, but at least I was honest i both posts.

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 14,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 3 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

Spent the last two weekends in Hounslow.

So the last two weekends I’ve been to Hounslow, or more precisely I have been to Heston. So I have now had my first experience with London’s overground transport system, and I have to say that I am not particularly a fan.  The buses are always on time when you are a little late and they are always late when you stand there waiting. Also I figured out that my oyster-card only works on some buses, the rest of the local buses I have to pay for even when I have paid for a weekly transport card.
And London traffic in the afternoon when you want to get home: it make a 1 hours trip into a two and a half hour trip.

That aside I had a rather nice weekend in Hounslow, this weekend and the weekend last week. Though I would prefer the first weekend as it was only workshops and only one examination, this weekend I had my practical test and another test.
What kinds of tests? Well, it occurs to me that I, when I get my exam results back, is a qualified gym instructor. And I will, after a semester here in Kingston, start to apply for a part-time job

david loyds

The course was set up at David Lloyd Heston. Avery prestigious gym by the way which I will never afford a membership at, and I can not fathom that anyone do actually use that much money to be a member at a gym. But then again it got everything, a tennis court inside and out side, golfing, swimming and a fully equipped gym, so I figure it has to be expensive.

maeganThe first weekend there I had an Anatomy and physiology test along with two 8 hour workshops.
This Saturday I had my practical assessment and my “training principals”-test.
Meagan from my history-class was kind enough to help me out and be my participant for the practical. And she did very well actually and I passed my practical!

We went around Hounslow, even though Kirsty told us very strictly that if we went there we would get shot. But the starvation from getting up at 5.30 to get to Hounslow in time, having no breakfast and working out, made us leave the bus at the bus station and search the streets for a restaurant that served something edible.

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We found one after roaming the streets, a small, and as Meagan put it: a cool restaurant.  Though the food was good out waitress could have mad an effort to tell us that rice came outside of the menu. We had to order rice after getting our food which consisted of chicken and sauce.

The had really cool jugs and cups though:
jugs

Also when we went home after eating, one of the guys in the street shop managed to trick me into buying 6 kg of fruit. And it was so cheap!

So I have had some great weekends lately and workshop is fun, it is the first time I have went to learn something and stayed interested for the whole thing. I even could comprehend everything the teacher said!

I am rather amazed…

Surbiton railway station at night

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

.. by this place. London, though this is a part of greater London, keeps on amazing me, it contradicts all I ever though about cities like this.
You see I’ve always thought there were less life in big cities, like London, New York, Paris and other big cities. Of course I know there wouldn’t be zombies walking around or dead people around. I expected it to be noisy and I expected the people to be very busy and very little engaged, and I didn’t expect to see many animals maybe except cats and dogs. Well, I guess I just always thought of these places as places people go and then leave, maybe just because I’ve never stayed in a place long enough to see how it kind of works. Continue reading

NUS is wasting your money

You know how this studentcard is supposed to make you save oooooo soooo much money?

Well I bought mine the first week I was here. I haven’t been able to use it ONCE because they haven’t activated it. I was told it would take 7 days top before it was activated. It’s now been 3 weeks. Yesterday I had to order my school books, and I couldn’t use my student discount because my card isn’t activated so therefore I have no access to my discount code. SO 150 ponds for books, hurray and then add 12 pound for that stupid card.

Maybe they should just stick with their old system, where you activated your card manually on the web. Because this sucks and I dream of this being enough to sue them and send them into a ditch. Sorry, I’m pissed off right now because I’ve sent them 5 e-mails to four which I’ve gotten an automatic reply and nothing else. Now this card is pretty much useless to me, because I’ve bought everything I meant to use my discount on because I needed it den not in three months or three days.

Well, maybe I can figure out a way to get my 12 wasted pounds back.