Nightmares. I have written about them before, but they seem to become more prominent. Honestly the quality of my sleep these days is so bad that I could probably just stay up and that way feel less tired. A little while ago the night terrors would come and go, sometimes only happen occasionally. Now they happen every night. Often I wake up more tired than I actually was before I went to bed, and morning I just feel outright exhausted regardless how much sleep I’ve had. These terrors also makes it really hard for me to actually fall asleep when I am tired, which results in days like this when I have to get up at 7am but did not fall asleep until 3 am.
I’m all for dreaming, I like dreaming. Dreams makes me want to sleep and just stay sleeping forever. Like a little while ago I had a wonderful dream where I was eating avocados, and then I woke up. I’ve had dreams that have inspired my writing (though I won’t be one of those authors/writers who claim a dream was the source of it all), and I like those kind of dreams, they are productive.
I like dreams that are wonderful, or surrealistic or just simply beautiful or inspiring.
Dreams are good even when they don’t make sense, as long as they make you feel good they are good. I miss those kind of dreams. I have never been a person who is frequently visited by dreams, but I have never suffered from the kind of night terrors I suffer from now.
Now the terrors seems to find me all the time. I wake up before my alarm because of nightmares. most of them I can’t even remember, I’m just dreaming and then abruptly wake up and struggle to go back asleep again. The times I actually sleep is mostly during the day on the days I don’t have to go to Uni, which gives me an unhealthy sleeping pattern (it makes it even harder to fall asleep at night).
Occasionally I wish I could remember what these nightmares were about, it would kind of help me understand what my subconsciousness try to tell me, or at least help me understand what I need to do/deal with.
I try to drink a lot of coffee to help me stay awake during Uni-days, it works somewhat, but i don’t feel like I am well prepared or take in as much from the lectures as I used to. My general mental state is reduced and mostly I just want to get back home so I can sleep. Though mostly when I get home I got stuff I have to do, and the only time I really sleep peacefully is when I am supposed to watch TV with them when he hold me and I accidentally fall asleep for a brief while.
At least I do understand as much there is something I am not dealing with and these terrors are my subconsciousness trying to deal with it and make me aware of it [so I then can process it]
I supposed some of the terrors is because I’m going home, soon. And I guess I dread going home, I’ve got a lot to deal with and I will have to let go of this place. Letting go has never really been anything that I have been good at, and I try to deny it, I try to pretend it doesn’t exist. Sadly I am very aware of how short time I have left here. All good things comes to an end, at some point, in life there is no forever. Nothing lasts forever, forever is an impossibility.
Sometimes I feel like home will be a mess, and sometimes I feel like home isn’t home. This is one of the few places I have felt very much at home, this place and the Blackboard box in London (I guess). Maybe it have to do with the fact that everything will be changing shortly, I will leave here and when I come back home, and then I know a lot of people back home will be spreading out across the world too. I can’t really complain about them spreading with the wind after moving out of country twice. Well there is always Facebook.
“There is a war inside my heart gone silent Both sides dissatisfied and somewhat violent.”
— Sara Bareilles
A lot is changing, things are already changing. Sometimes I feel like I’m spinning out of control, and I desperately try to cling on to it. I feel like I am losing me and in the process I’m slowly losing everyone else too. It gives me less of a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I really had to push myself to get out of bed this morning, I had to push even harder to even manage to get out the door. Between the relentlessness of leaving and trying not to puke, I think I again realized I will soon be alone again.
Alone wouldn’t be so bad, if just managed to find joy in my old passion. I wish I could lose myself in writing again. I wish I could breathe color in the darkness
I wish I could just push through the terrors and darkness I am now feeling, or at least find a reason for it. Because right now I should be happy. But then again they don’t call it depression when you feel sad because your dog died or you lost a friend, that is sadness. Depression is when you feel sad when everything are going well in your life. I guess I just suffer from depression and struggle to break through it because there really no reason for me to be sad right now at this very moment. If I could just feel the moment instead of worrying about the future.
Maybe if I was more present in the moment this depression would go away, but in many ways I feel like it’s too late for that; I wasted it and there is no point in even trying.
Everyone have their ups and downs, but honestly my emotional life has had a lot more of downs than ups lately. But I will blame it on stress and sleep deprivation (honestly I am pretty sure I feel like Sam felt when he was terrorized by Lucifer), because I can’t find a reason for my downs.
“There is only one hell: the one we live in now.”
I figure I will end here, as this post turned out a lot longer than I intended. I got a lot more to say but I will try to meditate the next hours so I might be able to pay attention in my next class. And I guess I just have to fight through this sleep deprived state.
“I was meant to be a warrior please make me a Hercules”
— Sara Bareilles